NICE ISN'T A STRATEGY

Kill Them With Kindness

A friend of mine was asked to step up into a temporary leadership role: twelve weeks in charge of the team he'd been part of for almost two years. He was excited, and he had reason to be. He was a strong technical performer and understood systems better than most. What he didn't have was any training, mentoring or guidance on how to lead people.

He's far from alone. In a CareerBuilder survey of nearly 4,000 managers, more than a quarter said they felt unprepared to lead when they started managing others, and many had received no management training. The challenges they rated hardest were managing conflict between co-workers and motivating the team. Not systems. People.

We sat down for a casual chat before he started. He hadn't asked for my advice, so I didn't offer it. I just listened.

He talked about problems the team had carried for a long time, mostly around monitoring work and staying focused on goals. Now that he had the authority, he felt he could finally enforce some change. "I'm going to put together a tracking program, collate all the information we need, and make sure tasks don't slip through the cracks."

All good things to chase. But not once did he mention his team.

So I asked, "What's your team like?"

He told me. Mostly older women. Two of them were counting down to retirement and doing the bare minimum. The only one who was genuinely capable was regularly calling in sick and pushing to work from home.

"Sounds like you'll have your hands full," I said. "Let me know if you need a hand."

"It'll be fine," he said. "I'll work it out."

Twelve Weeks Later

When his stint finished, we caught up and I asked how it went.

"Yeah, it was fine. I don't think I want that sort of role though. It's a lot of work."

Again, no mention of the team. So I asked how he went leading them.

"I kept it simple. Killed them with kindness. Just be really nice and kill them with kindness."

That phrase has always bothered me. It's a method, sure. But is it a method that transforms a team, or even motivates one? Killing them with kindness relies on favours and goodwill to make people feel obliged to do more. It's short sighted, especially with a team that's been doing things the same way for years. It almost always ends the same way: nothing changes, and the leader does far more than they should because their kindness turns into quietly filling the gaps their people are leaving.

I asked about the tracker. He said he tried to roll it out but it got no traction, and it was too much work on top of helping everyone with their tasks.

"I thought the whole point of the tracker was to keep the team on top of their tasks without needing you?"

"Yeah, but it was just easier this way. It was too stressful trying to get people set in their ways to change."

"So did performance improve? Did she take fewer sick days, or did you work something out with her? Did the two coasting to retirement lift their game and start driving the car instead of sitting in the passenger seat?"

The answer was no. Followed by every excuse in the book. The system didn't work. It was someone else's fault. Older staff are set in their ways.

Here's the summary. He walked into a role he wasn't prepared for, full of bright ideas about streamlining things. The moment he met the slightest pushback, he folded. He picked up parts of everyone else's work to keep heads above water until the twelve weeks were up and he could hand the responsibility back. When he left, nothing had changed. The team is exactly where it was before he stepped up.

He killed them with kindness, and killed himself and his ideas in the process.

That's not a small failure. Gallup estimates managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement scores across business units. The leader is the biggest lever a team has. When the leader folds, the team stays exactly where it is.

What Went Wrong, and What Could He Have Done Differently

Problem: No leadership training or experience

Solution: Seek out advice, mentoring and knowledge. Read, ask, listen. But the key is finding opportunities to actually apply it. Knowledge that never leaves your head is just trivia.

Problem: Tech savvy, not team savvy

Solution: When you face a problem, talk to your team first, even if you already know how you'd fix it. In the military we have something called a kangaroo court. It's used to put a problem on the table and work through solutions as a team. Do the same. Bring the problem to the team, ask how they'd fix it, introduce your solution, get their feedback and adjust where it makes sense.

Sometimes what comes back will be absolute garbage. I've heard plenty of it. Acknowledge it and ask them for a solution. Nine times out of ten, people just want to feel included and have a vent. They don't actually want the responsibility of driving big changes. You walk away with a team that feels heard, and even if they don't fully agree with your solution, they had their say. That's cohesion, and cohesion builds buy-in.

Problem: Long-serving staff doing the bare minimum

Solution: Believe it or not, this is common. People who've been in a role for a long time can become the couch in the background. Nobody notices them, because time in the role gets mistaken for competence. Often it isn't.

In the British Army, a full career runs to around 22 years, and from my knowledge and observations, a warrant officer who wasn't performing wasn't kept beyond it. That's how units like the Parachute Regiment hold such high standards and achieve what they do. Everyone is on the train, or they're off it.

Here, goal setting and monitoring are key. Recognise their seniority and give them responsibility with real purpose behind it. If they've been coasting for years, the habit may be ingrained, and sometimes tough decisions have to be made. But in my experience, the vast majority of the time, realignment and redirection will bring this type of worker back on board, provided their experience is recognised.

Problem: The capable one who doesn't want to be there

Solution: This sounds very much like an environment and culture problem. The simple first step is to talk to her. Beyond that, look for ways to improve the culture.

Culture isn't built through what we call "forced fun" in the military. Morning teas and holding hands singing kumbaya fix nothing. Culture comes from making the team feel like exactly that, a team. A shared goal, a shared purpose and a shared skillset. Look for opportunities to have people work together so their strengths cover each other's weaknesses. You'll be surprised how empowering it is to have the knowledge to help someone, or to get help with something you have no idea how to do. It's a cheat code for cohesion and a better place to work.

Problem: Folding at the first sign of resistance

Solution: Building an effective workplace is work. You will meet resistance. As the leader, you have to be the beacon that lights the way forward. If you and your team aren't moving forward, you're static, and as we say in the military, static equals death.

Expect pushback and don't take it personally. The squeaky wheel always squeaks loudest at the start of the roll. Your job is to bring the WD-40 and make the transition as smooth as possible. Every time you look at changing something, keep three words in your head: inclusion, clarity, transparency.

"The standard you walk past is the standard you accept."Lieutenant General David Morrison

Every task my friend quietly took off someone's plate was a standard he walked past.

The Lesson

I've heard this story many times, each with its own nuances. My advice is simple. Always be learning. Put your ego aside and take advice from others. Even when I'm reluctant, I'll tell myself that this person has something to teach me. I'm always the better for it.

Remember, being liked is not the same as leading, and kindness without standards doesn’t lead a team. It just carries one, until the leader breaks and nothing has changed.

Sources

CareerBuilder survey of managers, reported by Safety+Health Magazine (2011).

Gallup, State of the American Manager: Analytics and Advice for Leaders.